Tuesday, December 15, 2009

What I am still learning....

Why do I find it so hard to TRUST that God will take care of us and provide?... It is so easy to say the words, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart... lean not on your own understandings"... But when it comes time to actually act that out- I so easily forget. I have always been some-what of a worrier. When there are warnings out for storms in the summer- I freak. When Jordan hasn't answered my calls on the way home from work- My mind races. When Katelyn hasn't woken up for 4 straight hours in the night- I check to make sure she is still breathing. And ever since we went down to one income- I worry. and worry. And worry some more. Some days I am literally paralyzed with worry & fear... "How will we make it?, Will we be able to keep our house?, Will our bills get paid this month?"... And on & on the list goes.

And Yet...When I look back on the last 6 years of being married... God has always provided. We have not gone hungry. We have always had shelter over our heads, and a place to rest our bodies and call "home". We have always had clothes, and a car to get us from here to there. Have we ever felt wealthy- no! We never signed up for that, nor do we care to be rich with treasures on earth. We knew that when we chose to get married young and start our family right away!
But, still... in my humanness I worry. I find myself not only fearing the future, but the DAY. My mind gets flooded with the "How's" and "whys" and the "what's"... "How will we... Why did that... What will we...", etc. (Are there ever direct answers for those questions?...) Probably not.

Why isn't it enough to know that God has provided, and WILL provide? Why doesn't that calm my fearful heart? I know a lot of it is ME wanting to "fix it". I want to make all the worries go away- I want to put all the pieces perfectly in place.- When my house is a disaster, and toys are everywhere- I can fix that! I work until my house is clean- spotless- peaceful. Yet even that analogy bites me- because no matter how much I clean, it always gets dirty 5 minutes later (3 kids, hello!)... but I still feel in control of that situation. It may kill my back & push my patience, but I still know I can put the house back in order.

But when it is life, I can't always do that. I can't just go out and get a job with 3 little ones at home and only one car. I can't magically get Jordan a higher paying job, or put more money into our account each month (although I still try!)... Some times, I just have to TRUST. To realize we are doing what we can, and the rest is up to Him... I am not able to calm the storm, or drive the car, or control that my children are always healthy, breathing, and OK. I can't fix the past or control the future- as much as this 26 year old mom would like to...

I have to choose to LET GO, and just TRUST.

Trust that the creator of this world cares about the minute details of my life. That the Savior understands our failures (the reason He came to earth!).
That my Lord Loves me, and WANTS to take care of every area of my life. It may not always look the way we want or think it should look... but to just realize and accept He is in control! That He can do it SO much better than I could want or imagine. That He sees the BIG picture... not the "How's, & Why's and What's..."... He sees the end result and knows ALL the answers to my many questions. There is a reason He keeps things a secret some times, and probably just because He wants to teach His child to simply... Trust. To just wait upon Him and let Him take the lead.
To take off that heavy load you carry and lay. it. down. I know He will continue to teach me this... He will keep reminding me that everything will be OK. He will keep whispering those precious words day after day after day... "Elizabeth, TRUST me... I love you... and I am in control..."

Thank-you Jesus... Thank-you.

3 comments:

Emily said...

boy.do.i.know.how.you.feel.... :)

Kristin said...

It's just so stinkin hard. And I hate that it continues to be so stinkin hard. Seriously, do we have hard heads or what??? Thanks for sharing your struggle...

The O's said...

Elizabeth- I am SO in the same boat basically on a daily basis. I'm not much of a worrier, never really have been. But, for some reason when it comes to financial stress I can NOT let go and let God. It is so, so, so hard for me. I used to have a full-time job and made good money. So now, living paycheck to paycheck and wondering if we'll be able to pay our mortgage every month is so hard. I'd NEVER take the money over staying home with my kids. Ever. No job or paycheck could ever make me go back but it's still so hard to trust that God has control of every part of our lives, even the financial part! Man, I struggle ALL.THE.TIME!!!