Me Time.

Tonight was similar to many nights in the Smith household.  By the time dinner was done, kids had gone through their bedtime routine of jammies on, teeth brushed, stories read, fans and nightlights going... I am feeling completely and utterly exhausted.  Tonight was no exception.  I just wanted to sit down.  No more questions, no more "Can I?"... "Mommy, will you?"... "Please may we?"...  My back was aching, my mind was fried, and I just needed ME time.  After putting my girls BACK in their beds for now the fifth time I was about ready to loose my cool.  Tucking Samuel quickly in bed, he asked me to tell him a story-ANY story.  I sighed a heavy sigh, thought of a quick story from when I was a kid and condensed it down to about 10 seconds.  I told him that was the end, and he needed to go to bed- NOW.  In that moment, my little 6 1/2 year old boy looked up at me with eyes that spoke a thousand words.  He quietly said, "I bet if I was there in your story, there would have been more..." I quickly told him something along the lines of "I love you Samuel, but I have to get Katelyn back in her bed (again!), and I am doing the best I can tonight..."  He quietly said OK, and turned his body toward the wall and snuggled down under his covers.  I left his room, feeling defeated, yet still needing to get things done.  I put Katelyn back in her bed, gave Serenity yet another hug and kiss, and headed toward the living room.  I immediately sank down into my comfy chair and sighed a big sigh of relief.... Peace at last!  Closing my eyes for only a split second, I started to re-play Samuel's request in my mind, and all I could see were those little boy eyes starring up at me. Sighing a heavy sigh yet again, only this time for a completely different reason, I immediately got up out of my comfy chair (well, it actually took quite a bit of effort being 8 months pregnant and all...) :) and made my way back to Samuel's room.  I opened his door slowly, tip-toed across his room and crawled in beside my little boy.  He looked completely surprised and relieved and happy to see me all at the same time.  I spent the next several minutes telling him story after story after story of when I was a little girl.  We LAUGHED.  He asked me a hundred questions and finally looked up at me, gave me a kiss on my cheek and said, "You are just the best mom in the entire world".

And to think I almost gave up that moment because I needed some "me time".

May I NEVER forget that tomorrow may not come.  That the little 2 year old becomes the 4 year old, and the 4 year old becomes the 6 year old and soon that little 6 year old will become a grown man....

My mind WILL be fried.  My body WILL be exhausted.  I WILL feel like crying and shouting and giving up.  This is all a part of having the hardest job in the world- being a mommy!

However, I won't get these moments back.  Someday I WILL have a quiet, empty house, and I will wonder why I didn't take the time to tell more stories. Give more hugs. Answer more questions.

I will forever hold tonight's memory in my heart. 

I will choose to remember and remind myself of this often... "These days are long, some days they feel like they will last forever... but these years, they are way too short."

So when you are feeling like you just can't go another minute... remember, this may be a moment your little 6 year old looks up at you and tells you "you are the best mom in the entire world" - and that my friends, is worth more than ANY amount of "me time" you could ever get. <3

SUMMER!!!!

OK, it has been FAR too long- I never seem to find the time to blog... and that just has to change!  This summer has seriously FLOWN by! I can't believe it is AUGUST already???!!! WOW! Some highlights of our summer so far~

*Finding out we are having a BOY!!! YAY! We are soooo excited!! (Still deciding on a name!)

*Traveling/Family visiting~ We have had LOTS of family time this summer! Us visiting family and family visiting us!

*Twins games, backyard theater, Parks, DQ trips, playing outside!

*Getting my school room in order~ This has been SO much fun for me!  The family "classroom" is coming along great! I can't wait to start our "fall schedule" (or at least attempt to keep one with a newborn!) ;-)

*Decorating the baby's room!~ How fun it has been to decorate for a baby BOY after two precious GIRLS!  Blues, Greens, Browns! I have loved pulling out Samuel's little newborn outfits and reminiscing after all these years!

*Water Fun~ LOVE being in the water. The beach. Pool. Splash Pads. Kiddie Pools ;-)... It has been SO hot and water fun is JUST what our family has needed!

Those are our highlights so far! We have one more family vacation/family wedding in August, one more wedding in September, and then life will settle down a little... For a few weeks before a new addition to our family arrives! ;-)  I can't wait to hold that little bundle in my arms.  There is NOTHING like breathing in that sweet newborn smell. (more about my excitement in a later blog) :) 

Hope everyone is having an AMAZING summer!  Hoping to blog more in the future!  Homeschooling, babies, parenting, marriage, church, ministry, LIFE... SO many thoughts that float through my head all day long. Must. Write. Them. Down! :-)

Ramblings of a pregnant girl

I feel like this day will never end... So I decided I need to write (or better said, ramble...). Tomorrow is our BIG ultrasound for our number FOUR!... You would THINK it would be no big deal this time... QUITE the opposite! I am SO nervous and giddy and excited and... will tomorrow EVER come?!!!?  I am always a little nervous that everything is okay... (I'm assuming that is very normal for every mommy!)... But I am also DYING to know the gender of this baby!  I have reasons to believe it is a girl (ie:  Chinese calendar- which by the way has been right EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. for the other ones... and I was also pretty nauseous in the beginning- which I was with both girls) However, I craved early on LOTS of proteins (BACON, eggs, etc...) Which is what I craved with Samuel... and I have had a few "it's a boy" dreams...   BUT, this pregnancy feels different then all the rest too (which actually made me wonder if I was having twins, but an early ultrasound told me I was not!)...

I will be honest... for Samuel... I am wanting another boy, so he can have a brother... BUT, I absolutely LOVE girls and I don't want to be disappointed in ANY way at all tomorrow!  I am SO blessed to have both already, but I would love for Samuel to experience a brother... At the same time, the thought of little tiny girl dresses, flower headbands, and more PINK gets me really excited too... So, I can't go wrong either way! ;-)  (However...at the park today I saw a tiny bundle of blue and I did tear up a little...) Um, can you tell I am just a little PREGNANT?!! ;-)

Jordan is excited for either one, and he keeps my nerves calm by explaining (for multiple reasons) why either one will be amazing (*sigh*, how I love my hubby)

Tomorrow is also my birthday... So, what a FUN present it will be to see our little #4 on the ultrasound screen. (PLEASE baby cooperate for us!)

Well, I am done rambling... (maybe... for now...) And if I can't sleep (which is almost guaranteed)... Then I will be back I'm sure hashing out my thoughts for no-one in particular to read. :)

Most of all I feel SO incredibly blessed to be a mom! (I'm a MOM!!!) of (soon to be)... FOUR!  If you knew me at all growing up, you knew my life-long dream and goal was to be a mommy... and to have lots of little ones around me... I'm so beyond grateful God trusts ME (as un-worthy as I am) to be their mom.

The Dance

This is something I wrote a few months back... I have a collection of writings that I usually do not share on my blog, but I feel that maybe this will speak to someone today... There are times and seasons in life that all of us have gone through pain or will go through pain. This story reflects in my own words and thoughts, what I believe is a process of healing.  "The rain fell, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, but it did not collapse because its foundation was on the rock." Matthew 7:25

This world is a dance. The music is ever changing. Sometimes slow and beautiful, other times intense and loud, and at times… dark and slow.  And even still, we dance.  Can you feel it? The music that pulls you, captures you, moves you.    My body moves, it spins, it twirls.  It runs, it rocks, and it hides.  The music never stops, only changes from song to song. 

The ground is damp; the grass teases my toes and dances around my ankles.  The rain starts. Slowly first, one drop, then two, then three, then four, then six, then ten… before I know it it is pouring down, like a steady rhythm.  I twirl, my feet moving in perfect symmetrical circles.  I feel my feet touch the earth; I feel the dirt and mud close in around my toes.  I spin, I dance, I move.  The rain making soft pounding noises on my shoulder, on my head. The darkness is closing in, but I feel you.  I feel your presence.  You are dancing around me Your shadow is covering mine.  With each movement and each turn I feel healing wash over my body.  You are smiling at me, encouraging me not to stop. I start out slow, like the rain, and then I get faster and faster with each turn, each movement each stomp into the earth.  My hair is hanging damp around my face now; my eyelids are getting blurry as the rain washes over my body. I turn my eyes up to the heavens, I stretch my arms out as far as I can, and I dance.  My knees bend up and then down, I turn, I stomp, I move.  The rain now turns to tears and I can’t tell which is which streaming down my face… all I feel is healing wash over me.  I don’t want to stop… keep the music playing!  The rhythm of the song starts to synchronize with the rhythm of the rain, and then the rhythm of my tears… together they become a symphony.  The music is like nothing you have ever heard.  It is not of this world, but another, the world that reflects the shadow, Your shadow.  As I continue to dance, I feel your arms around me.  You reach for my hand, and I willingly, desperately take it.  Together, we dance. You spin me, you twirl me, You dance beside me.  The rain slows… Ten drops, then five drops, then four…. Three then two then one… I feel the warmth around my shoulders, as my eyes are closed tight still facing the heavens; I begin to feel the light on my face, the warmth that washes over me. The clouds are parting, the sun is lifting the rain has stopped.  I never stopped dancing.  My tears turn to smiles, my pain to joy, my night to day.  Before I know what has taken over me, I begin to laugh.  Not the small tiny laugh you hear off in a distance, but the deep, from your soul, healing kind of laugh…The un-reserved, uninhibited kind of laugh.  I open my eyes and I see You.   You are more than my heart can bear.  You are beautiful and perfect and one look into your eyes heals my heart of every fear, every pain, every crack and every wound.  Your arms around me feel like a healing balm that no man has ever discovered or invented.  You reach for me.  You place Your hand upon my heart; my hands close in around Yours.  We sway.  The dance has slowed, and the rain has stopped and the earth has begun to dry.  Like a sunrise at daybreak, I feel the shadows disappear.  I feel whole, alive, and new. 

Somewhere in the back of my mind I am convinced the dancing will never stop, and the rain will come again.  The music will shift and change, the seasons will come and go and the sun will rise and fall. 

But one thing will always remain… You.

“Guard me as you would guard your own eyes…Hide me beneath the shadow of your Wings”… Psalm 17:8

“Weeping may endure for a night…but JOY comes in the morning”… Psalm 30:5

A conversation with my six year old...

It has been a GOOD week.  A week that you sit back and really see the life that God has given you.  So many times I am so busy going here, going there, doing this, doing that, that I don't get the chance to STOP and really look at how richly blessed I am.  While driving in the car the other day, Samuel asked me, "Mom, do you want to be rich someday?".... (Me, laughing, already knowing the answer in my head, instead replied with an answer I pray will stick with my son for life...) "Buddy, I already AM rich!"  He, being the realistic kid he is, of course replied~ "No you aren't?..." :)  Stopping for a moment to catch my breath, since I am a mom who tends to get choked up on the simplicities of life, answered, "God in all his infinite wisdom and love gave me YOU, gave me Serenity, gave me Katerbug, and gave me Daddy... I am more rich than I could ever hope to be." After I got done parking the car, Samuel jumps out and smiles sheepishly with his head turned to the side and his hands on his hips and gave me a look as if he wasn't quite satisfied with that answer (being a boy and all), and I'm sure ran off to capture another villian or conquer another castle... But I on the other hand just sat there in the car for quite some time thinking about our two minute conversation and something just STUCK.

I may not have the newest "Swagger Wagon" (that all of us young mom's dream of having...) :)
I may not have my yellow dream house with white trim, a picket fence and a wrap around porch (yet!)

I may have a car that its windshield wipers stay up when they are supposed to go down, and one that makes all sorts of strange noises whenever I have the music down low enough to hear...

I may not have it "all together", "organized", and "figured out"... And there may be days that I collapse into a corner because this life is HARD work, and being a mommy is a tough job and being a wife means constantly putting your own desires down and instead looking toward someone elses needs...

But even so.... I. am. rich!

I am constantly in awe of God's goodness and His love.  His grace and forgiveness.  His gentleness and His kindness... I don't deserve the gifts that He gives, (who is deserving!?), but I will continue to remind myself on the hard days, of all the He has done for me, and all that He has poured out upon my life.

And if the question ever comes up again if I want to be rich someday.... my answer will always remain the same,

                                                        "I already am."

MONDAYS

Mondays.

Maybe I'm the only one, but Mondays are especially hard for me.

Yes, it IS the first day of the week.  Yes, we DID just leave a busy, fun-filled weekend, Yes I DO have a million & one things to do...But, I think it is more than that for me?  I find this battle EVERY. SINGLE. MONDAY...
                          To WORRY! 

Worry about Money. Parenting. Jobs. Marriage... LIFE! 

There doesn't even have to be an actual "reason"... It just happens.

I find myself waking up, my brain reminding me what day it is, and the worrying begins.

*SIGH*

Maybe I'm the only one... But today I will continue to reach for those boxing gloves, step into the ring, grab my bible and FIGHT...
           
             Fight this Monday sickness of "WORRIES".


"My PEACE I leave with you, my PEACE I give unto you. NOT as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid!"
                                                ~John 14:27